


As Shadows Fall

by vyrenrolar



Category: Mass Effect, Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: Angst, Crossover, F/M, Kaiju, NaNoWriMo, PTSD, Pacific Rim Crossover, Reapers, Slow Burn, there's a little bit of babylon 5 tech thrown in
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-31
Updated: 2017-11-30
Packaged: 2018-08-28 04:06:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 5,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8431249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vyrenrolar/pseuds/vyrenrolar
Summary: A Pacific Rim/Mass Effect crossover (basically just Mass Effect with Jaegers and drifting?). Shepard forms her team and goes after the bad guys.





	1. Chapter 1

_“Nihlus!” She feels her body crushed beneath steel and storm, her very thoughts ripped from her mind, as the beast obliterates what had moments before been her copilot. She gasps for breath, fighting the crush against her lungs except they weren’t her lungs at all, but his, and he was gone and she had to_ move, now.

 _They said no one could pilot a Jaeger solo. They said it would put too much strain on a person, do irreparable damage to any nervous system, even an Asari’s. She does not remember this as she fires the remaining cannon directly into the creature’s mouth. She does not know she is doing the impossible. She knows only_ must _and_ need _and_ gone _._

 

When Daniels and Donnelly arrived at the scene an hour later, it was to find an unconscious Commander Shepard beside the smoldering remnants of what had once been a Reaper. They airlifted her and what was left of Nihlus and Eden Prime back to the Citadel, wondering the whole way if they had made it in time. They barely landed on the flight deck before the Commander was rushed to surgery, Doctors Chloe Michel and Karin Chakwas at the ready.

It took an unspeakably long time for the medical staff to stabilize Shepard. Michel and Chakwas, unwavering, operated for a total of 14 hours, knitting together muscle, bone, and blood. When they finally left the operating room, they found the waiting room filled to capacity with soldiers, engineers, even a few diplomats. At Karin’s smile, the gathered crowd let out a collective sigh, followed quickly by several cries of victory. Shepard was fine, they said. She would pull through.

A few moments into the celebration, Miranda Lawson pulled Karin aside and folded her arms. “What aren’t you telling us? What can I do?”

Karin didn’t miss a beat. She didn’t know Miranda that well, but she knew the fire in her eyes. She had carried the same fire herself on more than one occasion. “We saved her core functioning, and her mind is most likely fine, but so much of her muscular system was damaged that she will have to relearn everything. Walking, eating, bathing, all of it. We’ve had to regrow quite a bit.” Karin laughed drily. “Thank whatever god you believe in for Salarian medicine.” She smiled at Miranda and turned to rejoin the group.

Miranda caught her arm. “My time with Cerberus exposed me to some rather...unique biotechnology. With your permission, I’d like to help speed up her recovery.”

“Miss Lawson, I really don’t think-”

“We need her. You know we do. You know what’s at stake. She’s the only one who can… Well. We need her.”

Karin took a moment, then nodded, directing Miranda to speak with Doctor Solus, who had come in to assist a few hours into the surgery.

The doctor gazed at the people now spilling out of the waiting room. Kaidan and Ashley, Daniels and Donnelly, Steven and James, not to mention all the others who considered the good commander a friend. Even Councilor Anderson was there, as jubilant as any of the others. Karin laughed as she heard the man offer to buy everyone a round of drinks. As she walked back to her quarters, eager to sleep, she marveled at how much happiness people managed to find, even in the face of such darkness.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we discover a side couple, and Shepard meets Joker for the first time. Also Wrex is there.

Miranda crossed her legs and took a sip of her tea. She yawned, then shook her head roughly, trying to stay awake long enough for the latest cocktail of caffeine and stims to kick in. She started as she felt a pair of hands come to rest on her shoulders, but relaxed when they started to massage the knots in her neck.

“Jesus, Lawson, when’s the last time you slept?” Jack asked as she moved Miranda’s head around, cracking her neck for her.

“Four...no. Five days ago? It’s fine, I’m fine, I just--” She was cut off as Jack spun her chair around.

“Miranda. Shepard’s already in physical therapy; you can’t help her any more right now.” Jack ran a finger along Miranda’s jaw. “Now why don’t you put the datapad down and come take a nap with me, hmm? I could tell you a tattoo story to help you fall asleep.”

Miranda took Jack’s hand and kissed her palm. “Only if you eat something first. You know how you tend to forget.” She raised an eyebrow at her companion, nodding at the woman’s growling stomach.

“Yeah, yeah. Come on. I’ll get a sandwich, and then it’s bed time, okay?” Jack pulled her up from the table  and started walking towards the cafe’s counter.

“You know, Jack, I did just take another dose. Could take a while for me to fall asleep…”

Jack threw her head back in a hearty laugh and pulled Miranda close to her. She growled softly and kissed the other woman on the cheek, then turned to place her order.

 

Jeff “Joker” Moreau wheeled his way towards the gym, grumbling about having to share his physical therapy session with some hot shot Jaeger pilot. He was used to having the place to himself, with Doctor Chakwas only there every now and then to check up on him. Now he’d have to deal with some big name hero _watching_ him, not to mention probably making him look bad. Still, better to get it over with than deal with any kind of bullshit atrophy. Or the wrath of Chakwas. He still hadn’t quite figured out which was worse.

He could hear the shouting from the moment he exited the elevator. One voice was low, gravelly, probably a Krogan. And the other was--

“God _dammit_ Wrex, I can do it myself! I’m not 140; I don’t need a fucking walker!”

“Fine! Run around on your brand new muscles, fall over, and break yourself again! See if I give a shit!”

Joker grinned. This would be far more entertaining than he had expected.

“Maybe I will!” The soldier pushed herself up out of her wheelchair, way, way too fast, and ended up sprawled on the floor. Wrex, a gnarly Krogan about three times the size of the woman on the floor, laughed, showing all of his frighteningly human-like teeth.

“You want help, Shepard?”

“No!” The woman spat on the floor at the Krogan’s feet. She pushed herself up on her hands, then tried to get her feet under her so she could stand.

“Good Lord, you’re not gonna...here, fuck it. Lemme show you.” Joker maneuvered his chair so that it was next to Shepard’s, slapped the brakes on, and gingerly lowered himself to the floor. He lay down next to the woman so they were in roughly the same position. She gaped at him.

“What, am I so pretty you forgot how to close your mouth?” He gave her a cheeky grin.

She grunted at him. “The fuck are you doing, asshole?”

“Teaching you how to get back in the damn chair. The Krogan’s strategy’s obviously not working, and all the shouting was gonna keep me from doing my shit anyway. Now, come on. Do what I do, and just accept now that none of your dignity will be preserved. You,” he jabbed a finger at the Krogan, “don’t get to talk. Shush.”

Joker showed the woman how to roll, scoot, and shimmy her way back into her chair. She was so busy responding to his snarky quips with her own that she managed to forget her frustration with her legs, at least for a few minutes.

“Thanks,” she muttered, avoiding his gaze.

He stuck his hand out cheekily. “I’m Joker, but I mean, you can call me asshole if you really want. Don’t think it’ll hold a candle to some of the shit they came up with at flight school, but hey, if it makes you feel better…”

That got a chuckle out of her, and she took the offer of a handshake. “Name’s Shepard. Flight school?”

“Hell yeah! I’m the best damn fighter pilot in the Alliance! Don’t tell me you’ve never heard of me.” He put the back of his hand to his forehead in feigned offense.

“How does that even work?” Shepard moved her wheelchair to face him head on.

“Lots of padding, an AI named EDI, and a couple extra seat belts thrown in for good measure. I do all the flying; EDI just shoots shit. She’s pretty good at it too, for a robot.”

Joker’s omnitool flashed. A computerized feminine voice said, “Mr. Moreau, I have asked you not to use that term before. Not only is it a gross oversimplification of my existence, it also makes me quite uncomfortable.”

The pilot chuckled. “I know, EDI. I just like pushing your buttons.”

Shepard shook her head. “Damn.”

Wrex took the opportunity to clear his throat loudly. “Hey, Shepard, now that you’re done discovering the magic of friendship, can we get back to teaching you how to work your legs?”

Shepard groaned, but her response was interrupted by Joker’s jocular, “Come on, it’ll be fun! I’ll do the same shit, and you can laugh at my ridiculous limp. Ooh, we could have a walker race!”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ashley and Kaidan make an appearance. So do Grunt and Liara.

“Oh my God, you _like_ her!” Ashley shoved Kaidan playfully as they walked through the Presidium. They had just come finished having a particularly enlightening lunch with the commander, and Ashley Williams, never one to pass up an opportunity to tease her copilot, was having entirely too much fun.

“Shut up,” muttered Kaidan as he rubbed his arm, looking away to hide his blush. “So what if I do?”

Ashley gave him her best _Really?_ look and turned to walk backwards for a minute. “So you tell her, obviously.”

Kaidan sighed and turned her around by the shoulders, not wanting her to bump into anything. “You know I can’t do that, Ash. She’s Commander freaking Shepard, and even if she weren’t you don’t come on to someone who just lost their copilot.”

Ashley stopped walking long enough to wrap her arm around Kaidan’s waist and match her step to his. “Just, my ass. It’s been over a month. And yes, while I do acknowledge the timing might not be great, it’s never gonna be, you know? Any of us could die on any mission we run; do you really wanna spend the last few seconds of your life regretting not asking out your biggest crush since high school?”

The Major groaned and rubbed the bridge of his nose. “Fine. Fine. You win. If I survive our next jump in the Virmire, I’ll ask her out for like. Beer or some shit. Happy?”

“Very.” She gave him a squeeze, leaning into him when he wrapped his arm around her. “Now come on. I think we have enough time to catch the newest Blasto movie before we ship out.”

“Ugh. All right. Let’s go before I change my mind.”

They steered themselves toward the transit car, both waving as they passed Liara T’Soni, who was almost too deep in thought to notice. Had it not been for Glyph, her infodrone, she would have let them pass without so much as a “Good luck!” Still, Glyph was there, and so she smiled at the soldiers and waved back, telling them to enjoy their flight later and “Get one of the bastards for me, would you?”

 

When Doctor T’Soni arrived at her office, it took her a moment to figure out what was different. Ah, yes. That. “Glyph, there isn’t usually a Krogan in my chair, is there?” she asked under her breath.

“No, Doctor T’Soni. One moment,” the blue infodrone said quietly. “This is Urdnot Grunt. He was part of O’Keer’s failed program to grow drift compatible soldiers. You read about this briefly when the project was terminated last year.”

The Krogan stood, then, having finally noticed the Asari’s presence. He nodded, then stuck out his hand. “Name’s Grunt. I’m here to learn shit.”

Liara took the proffered hand. “I’m sorry, what?”

“I’m here to learn shit. Shepard says you’re the smartest person on the station, and that I’ve got to learn something other than shooting shit and yelling real loud, so here I am. That a problem?” Grunt growled as he spoke, moreso than the usual Krogan, it seemed.

Liara moved around Grunt to sit at her desk and inspect her console. Satisfied that he had not damaged it, she turned back to him. “And what is your connection to Commander Shepard?”

“She’s my battlemaster," said the young Krogan with pride. "She was on the team that rescued me from O’Keer’s mess. She sort of...took me under her wing, afterwards. Now she mostly makes sure I don’t get arrested for doing stupid shit with my friends. Sometimes I headbutt her physical therapist for her.”

Liara laughed. “All right. What do you want to know?”

“I dunno.” Grunt sat on the floor, the resulting _thud_ nearly causing Liara to jump. “I guess, for starters...Why? Why are we fighting the big nasty space bugs, why are we all working together, why are so many people dying? What’s it all for?” He wrapped his arms around his knees.

“Do you want the long version, or the short version?”

Grunt sighed. “Shepard made me promise to ask for the long version when you said that.”

That got another chuckle out of Liara. She moved to sit on the floor in front of Grunt. “Oh, where to begin…

“I think what you need to understand is that the Reapers, or Kaiju, as they’re called by civilians, are neither wholly machine nor wholly organic. From what we’ve been able to learn from their, well, corpses, it would seem that they are an extremely advanced example of biotechnology.”

“Right. Big nasty space bugs.”

“They started attacking nearly twenty years ago. They attacked Aratoht first, a Batarian colony in the Viper Nebula. The entire planet was decimated. No one expected it. How could we? The only records of the Reapers are from a long dead civilization called the Protheans, and they’ve been dead for 50,000 years.”

“Damn.”

“Exactly. After the attack, the galaxy scrambled. It took a couple of years, and far too many deaths, but eventually we figured out how to kill them. We found blueprints for the Jaegers at a Prothean dig site, and the Council threw all their resources at the project. Eventually, we decrypted another set of blueprints, this time for a weapon, and a Jaeger with more than two pilots. I assume you know how the drift works?”

“Mostly.” Grunt shifted his position so that he was leaning against the wall. “Shepard’s some kind of big deal or whatever. Says she can drift with way more people than she should be able to. Makes her a hero, I guess.”

“Indeed. Even to be able to drift with members of other species is an accomplishment. That made her a shoe-in for the Spectres. But to be capable of drifting with more than one person...it’s incredible. She’s incredible.”

“So what? She’s got superpowers and now she’s supposed to save the galaxy?”

“Yes.” Liara looked at the young Krogan, trying to figure out if it was defiance or dedication she saw in his eyes. Perhaps it was both.

“Well that’s shitty. She’s got a hard enough time walking, how’s she supposed to-”

Glyph cut him off. “Incoming transmission, Doctor T’Soni. Daniels and Donnelly have been dispatched to recover another downed Jaeger.”

Liara sighed and pushed herself up from the floor. “Who is it this time, Glyph?”

“The Virmire.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard and Joker go for a walk.

“So, by ‘Let’s go for a walk, Shepard. It’ll be fun, Shepard,’ what you really meant was ‘Hey Shepard, push me around in an outdated wheelchair so I can laugh at your exertion.’”

“Yeah, pretty much.”

Shepard groaned at Joker’s cocky grin. “I swear to god, if you weren’t made of fucking eggshells…”

“Yeah, yeah. You’d break my arm. Ooh, look, a food cart! Can we? Can we? Can we?” He bounced up and down in the chair like a toddler.

Shepard bought them some oddly smelling kabobs, then wheeled her friend over to a table overlooking the rest of the Presidium. Joker tore into his food with a vengeance.

Shepard leaned back. “You eat like a starving man.”

Joker looked up from his meat, his mouth covered in some kind of blue sauce. “I had to shoot people today. Well, I had to fly around while EDI shot people. Fucks a guy up, y’know? Gotta eat shit after that.”

Shepard looked away. “Yeah, I know. Fucking Cerberus.”

“Damn straight.”

“So, Moreau, you think about my offer?”

Joker swallowed and wiped his mouth on his sleeve. “You mean the one where EDI and I abandon our fighter and train to drift with you, all so we can join you on a half baked suicide mission to darkspace with a shit ton of other people I don’t even know, piloting an untested behemoth of a ship while you and two of the people I don’t know blow yourselves up in a foolhardy attempt to save the galaxy from the most dangerous enemy anyone has ever known?”

“Yeah, that one.”

“Nah, haven’t thought about it at all.”

Shepard laughed drily, then sat back and waited.

“How do I know this almighty Normandy of yours isn’t just gonna blow my brains out my ears? And who the fuck thinks drifting with an AI is a good idea? How is that even safe?” He chewed vigorously, looking at the commander expectantly.

“That’s why we’re testing it in stages, jackass. A drift this big has never been attempted. Never even imagined until Dr. T’Soni found the blueprints the Protheans left. As far as I can understand, you need to be plugged into that much brainpower in order to jump that far that precisely. Reaction time, decision making...The Geth call it consensus.”

Joker grimaced at the mention of the Geth. “Why are we working with them again?”

Shepard sighed. “You remember Tali’Zorah, the quarian I introduced you to?”

He chuckled. “You mean the one we got drunk with? With the ‘emerrrrrgency induction port?”

She smiled. “Yeah, that’s the one. She’s the only one to ever drift with an AI. She calls it Legion. They’ve helped a lot with coding and shit.” She took a sip of her drink, hissing as it burned her throat. “Look, Joker. Bottom line: this shit’s important. I’ve seen you fly, and I’ve seen EDI shoot. I know we’d be drift compatible, just like I know you can fly this godforsaken boat better than anyone else alive.”

Joker grinned. “Flattery, my dear, will get you _everywhere._ Count me in.” They locked eyes, and he could see the relief in her face. “Of course, we’ve gotta get you into fighting form first. Come on, Commander. Another fifty laps!”

Shepard rolled her eyes as she stood up. “Actually, I have a better idea.”

 

“Seriously? You’re making me close my eyes? What are we, married?”

“Ah, just shut up and keep ‘em closed. We’re almost there.” Shepard wheeled the chair up yet another ramp, and Joker grumbled.

Shepard slowed the chair to a stop, then moved to crouch in front of her friend. She wanted to remember the look on his face when he saw her. “Open your eyes, Jeff.”

Joker wrinkled his nose at the use of his given name, but opened his eyes as requested. His jaw fell open. He flipped the brakes on the chair, then used Shepard’s shoulder to push himself up. She moved to stand beside him, putting an arm around his waist in case he lost his balance.

He let out a breath. “That’s her? That’s the Normandy? Shit. I mean _shit_. Yeah, okay.” He tapped his omnitool. “EDI, you seein’ this?”

EDI answered in the affirmative, saying that the pilot’s omnitool interface allowed her to perceive everything that he could.

“Shit. Shep, is this really…? I mean, we get to…?” He trailed off, dumbstruck by the view before him.

She nodded, murmuring assent. It was good to see her friend this happy.

Joker gazed at the ship lovingly. “I think I forgot how to blink. When do I get hooked up?”

Shepard chuckled. “We have to get our brains hooked together first, remember? Gotta make sure you can stand being in my head.”

“Right, right.” He tore his eyes away from the ship. “Hey, am I gonna be plugged into everyone else, too? I mean, I know you’ve got magic drift powers or whatever, but…”

She shook her head. “No. It’ll be like...like lines, all connected to a central point. Mostly. I won’t be connected to Bakara, but Mordin will. And Miranda and Jack will be connected to each other as well as me. Then there’s you and EDI, Tali and Legion...If I can convince Vega to come, he’ll bring Steve...I guess it’s more complicated than straight lines out, but you get the picture, right?”

Joker nodded. He looked behind him, making sure the chair was still there before he sat down. “Listen, Shepard--”

He was interrupted by an asari voice on the comm. “Commander Shepard? I need you to come to my office immediately. I've just received news that I think you need to hear. Also, I've met Grunt.”

“Heh. Right away, Doctor T’Soni. I’ll call a cab. Oh, and I’ll be bringing another friend. Don't worry; I've read him in.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not updating for a while. November has been a Mess. But I'm back at it, and while I probably won't finish the fic by the end of the month, I'm going to keep writing until it's done. Thanks for reading.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard deals with Ashley's death. Featuring Deaf!James Vega. Short chapter, but necessary.

Shepard pulled herself up. James signed the number 60 to her and asked if she was ready to give up yet. She grunted, shifted her weight to her left hand, and let go of the bar with her right to flip the lieutenant off. She repositioned herself for another pull up.

 _Your shoulders are angry at you_ , said Ashley’s voice inside her head.

 _Shut up_ , thought Shepard as she tensed her arm muscles.

_Hell, your whole body’s angry at you._

Shepard grunted again and gritted her teeth.

_You know it’s just you, right? No one else blames you. Not even me. Or at least, I wouldn’t blame you if I were still around._

“Fuck off, Williams,” the commander muttered.

James looked at her, touched his pointer finger to his chin, and raised his eyebrows as he made a grasping motion with his hand. _“Say what?”_

She shook her head and this time let go with her left hand. She signed half of “ _Nothing”_ and went back to the bar. James shrugged and signed the number 80.

_Seriously, Shepard. Give yourself a break. You’ve been pushing yourself three times harder than you should since I died._

Shepard cried out. James furrowed his brow and made to stand up, asking if she was okay.

She nodded curtly and glared at him until he sat back down.

_Enough, Ash. Just...enough. If I had been there you might not have died. I could have drawn Cerberus’s fire or, hell, blown them to pieces. It’s my fault it’s my fault it’s my FAULT and I won’t let it happen again. Not to Kaidan. Not to Joker. Not Tali not Liara not anyone. No one else dies on my watch, you hear me? No one!_

Shepard’s hand slipped, and she fell to the floor in a heap. James was at her side in an instant, hands flying lightly over her arms and legs to make sure nothing was hurt. She looked at him, pain in her eyes, and signed, “ _I need to scream_.”

He sat down and pulled her into his lap. He put his hand over hers and drew them both out from her mouth, echoing her. “ _T_ _hen scream_.” He might not have been able to hear her, but he could hold her. And so he did, through the screaming and the sobbing and the subsequent hiccups. When she was done, he told her that he wouldn’t hold her performance against her, reminding her that she had already beaten his pull up record once. He told her that he’d talk to Steve about the Normandy mission, that of course he’d go into battle with her. She was his commander, his mentor, and his friend. He would follow her into the jaws of Death itself.

She punched him in the arm for getting philosophical.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> James is Deaf bc Mass Effect needs a Deaf character.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard and Kaidan have their date. Kinda.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been so long! I was stuck for a while in the middle of this chapter. But I did it!

“Look at you, walking around and shit!”

“Hey, I’m not the one who totaled a Jaeger. I had a grand total of five minutes of physical therapy before Doctor Chakwas declared me fit.”

“Yeah, yeah. Come here, Alenko.” Shepard pulled the man into a hug and pressed her forehead to his neck. “Sorry about Ash,” she murmured. “Thanks for not dying, too. Sorry.”

He hugged her back and kissed the top of her head. “Not your fault. Thanks though.”

They held each other for a moment more before stepping back. Kaidan rubbed the back of his neck nervously. “So, ah. Um. So. About Ash. No. No no no, not like that. See, before we headed out, she asked me, well, told me, really--”

“Spit it out, Alenko.”

“D’you wanna get a beer?”

Shepard cocked her head. “What?”

“Sorry. Ash made me promise to ask you out, after we all had lunch, that time.”

“Why?” Shepard raised an eyebrow.

Kaidan blushed. “Because. I mean. Because I like you. Like,  _ like _ you like you.”

“What are you, twelve?” She kicked herself mentally. Too much time with Joker. Not enough sarcasm filtering. “Sorry. Sorry. I just. I’ve never...no one’s ever...I’m sort of untouchable, you know? Not used to, you know. Dates and shit.”

“That’s what I said! But you know Ash, once she decides something’s gonna happen…”

“Yeah. Listen, I’m not saying no, but you have to understand. Ever since Miranda’s upgrades, human alcohol doesn’t do shit for me. Ryncol works, but one glass’ll have me drunk off my ass, singing shit from Fleet and Flotilla. So maybe--”

“How about coffee?”

“Excuse me?”

“Coffee. You know, dark brown stuff, really bitter unless there’s like half a cup of sugar in it. We could just...get coffee. And talk.” He shifted his weight back and forth anxiously, getting a chuckle out of Shepard.

“Yeah. All right. Coffee.” She looked at him incredulously when he offered his arm. “Seriously?”

“What? I’m trying to be classy!”

She rolled her eyes and took his arm. “Onward, soldier. To coffee and conversation.”   
  


_ There’s someone in the Reaper. Attached to it, maybe. Or the Reaper’s been grown around him. Nihlus’s vision is better; she looks through his eyes, trying to discern something through the rain, a species, at least. The Reaper turns, then, and screeches. _

_ “Nihlus!” She feels her body crushed beneath steel and storm, her very thoughts ripped from her mind… _

“Shepard. Shepard, are you with me? Shepard!”

She shook herself, trying not to feel it, trying not to see it again. She heard her own screams echoing against her skull, and she shook her head again.

“Kaidan. I can’t...breathe.”

“Okay, okay, what do you need? What can I do? Do you need me to get Doctor Chakwas? Miranda? How can I help? Are you--”

He was cut off by a three fingered hand on his shoulder. “May I?” asked the Turian as he kneeled down in front of the commander. Kaidan let him, his panic suggesting that letting someone else be in charge was Good, and that maybe he should breathe.

“What’s your name?”

The blast from the cannon was stuck on loop. She fought through it just enough to answer him with a shaky “Shepard.”

“Okay, Shepard. I’m Garrus. Can you tell me what’s going on?” He spoke calmly, and something about his dual toned voice seemed to reach her through the storm.

“It’s, ah, again. It’s happening again. And I can’t save him I can’t do it I can’t stop it and--”

“Easy, easy. You’re having a flashback. I know it feels like you’re there, but it’s just a memory. A really vivid memory, but a memory. You’re here, you’re safe, your friend is here, and I’m here. It’s going to be okay. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

She nodded jerkily, tears streaming down her face. She registered somewhat belatedly that the Turian was holding her hands.

“I’m going to keep talking, and I’m going to keep being here. I’m going to ask you to do some things, and I want you to try. If you can’t, that’s okay, no one will be upset. But I need you to try, okay?”

She nodded again, seeing him and seeing Kaidan and then seeing the Reaper every time she blinked.

“Just let it happen. Okay? I know it’s hard, I know you want to fight it, but just let it happen. Feel the fear, feel the pain, and know that they’re just memories, just a replay. It’s like having the same nightmare more than once; it’s awful, and terrifying, but you know it’ll be over. Just stop trying so hard, and let it happen. That’s it. That’s it. Now breathe. In, and then out. There you go.”

She sniffled. She could still hear the echoes of her own screams, but the pain, the realness of it had passed. She took a hand back to rub her nose. “Thanks. I’m afraid I don’t remember your name.”

The Turian laughed. “That’s perfectly all right. You were a little busy when I introduced myself. Garrus Vakarian, at your service.” He pulled a chair from a neighboring table, sat down, and crossed his legs.

Kaidan reached across the table for Shepard’s hand. “You okay?”

“Getting there.”

He smiled at her, then turned to Garrus. “How did you know what to do? I mean, well, thank you, obviously, but…” He gestured vaguely with his unoccupied hand.

“It’s no trouble, really. And I didn’t really know; I was mostly going on instinct. But I’ve had similar experiences, and I figured that if there was a chance I could help, I should.” He flared his mandibles and clacked them shut: a quick smile, Shepard guessed.

They spent hours together, the three of them just talking. They shared the things they never wanted to forget, and the moments they wished they could. Shepard talked about Nihlus, chuckling as she remembered him calling her “kid.” (“So what did you call him?” “Old man.” “Bet he loved that.”) Kaidan spoke of Ashley, of her incessant ribbing and insistence that he tell the commander how he felt. (“Spirits, I’m interrupting your date!” “Ah, sit down, you’re fine.”) Garrus talked of guns, of calibrations and criminals, and they listened. (“You lost your whole team?” “Yeah.” “Shit.” “Yeah.”)

Kaidan balked when he learned that Garrus had never piloted a Jaeger. He flashed a look at Shepard when the Turian said he had never found a suitable drift partner. Shepard nodded, then turned to her newfound friend. “Hey Garrus. How would you like to work on some really big guns?”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so so sorry it's been so long, guys. Life has been A Mess. But here is another (short) (sorry) chapter.

Shepard leaned against the railing, staring out the window at the ship. Her ship. The Normandy. She would be ready for a test run in a few days, though it would take a couple more months of tinkering before the brass was willing to sign off on the jump to darkspace, and the massive neural handshake that would make it possible. _More like a neural group hug_ , she thought, chuckling to herself.

The sound of footsteps pulled her from her reverie. She turned, then grinned. “Samara! I haven’t seen you in a few weeks, how are you?” They embraced, each breathing in the comforting familiarity of the other’s scent.

“I am well, Shepard. But I am afraid I must ask you something, something very difficult for me.”

Shepard pulled back, concern for her friend creasing her brow. “What is it, Samara? You know I’ll do whatever I can.”

Samara smiled sadly. “I know, Shepard.” She moved away from the Commander, choosing to look at the Normandy rather than make eye contact. “I...you know that I am honored by your invitation to join the crew of the Normandy. But I...Shepard, the monastery on Thessia has fallen. My daughters--” She stopped when she felt Shepard’s hand on her arm.

“Go,” said the younger woman. Samara waited for more, words of anger, perhaps, or regret. But there was only the one, as full of support as Shepard could make it. “Go,” she said again, squeezing her friend’s arm gently.

“Thank you, Shepard. Thank you.” She pressed her lips to her friend’s forehead, then turned on her heel and strode towards the lift.

Shepard watched her go, only letting her sorrow reach her face when the lift doors slid shut. Though she knew they were both headed to where they needed to be, she did not know if she would ever see the Justicar again. She looked back at her ship and nodded before heading towards the lift herself.

  


Shepard leaned against Kaidan, rereading Thane’s letter. _Siha_ , it read, _I know you wish for me to join you on your quest. I think, perhaps, that were you to ask me in person I would be unable to decline. But my disease has nearly run its course, and I wish to spend what little time I have left with my son. I know that it is selfish of me to put my own desires above the safety of the entire galaxy. I think, though, that it time for me to prioritize myself. If it is any comfort, know that I will pray for you each day. Amonkira will go with you, Shepard, and you will prevail. You must._

She pressed her head into the space between Kaidan’s neck and shoulder. He pulled her closer, shifting his position on the couch to accommodate her. He kissed her hair, and did not mention the tears that were finding their way onto his skin.

“I’m going to miss him,” she said, sniffling slightly.

“I know.”

“I’m not ready to lose anyone else.”

“I know.” He squeezed her shoulder. “I know."

They stayed there for a while, and eventually Shepard fell asleep. Kaidan gingerly extricated himself from beneath the Commander, then picked her up as gently as he could and carried her to bed. She awoke just enough to ask him to stay, and so he did.

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first time I've ever actually outlined a fic someplace other than my head? We'll see how it goes...


End file.
